A Kiss For the Loser
by Kasey
Summary: Youji makes a bet with his teammates. Who will win or lose, and what will the repurcussions be? This fic is pointless, useless, and plotless... just gardenvariety humor. Enjoy!


This... I dunno what this is. This is one of those things that hits you as funny at 03:00AM when you're lying awake in bed because the Robitussin MC the doc prescribed to ease the cough and make you sleep better works backwards... so you laugh, say, "I'll write that, tomorrow," and... well, you see the result.  
  
---  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the pictures in my head.  
  
Warning: oik... eh, boy-boy this 'n' that 'n' the other thing... Bad humor... implied Youji torture... Schwarz and Weiss getting along with each other. OOC, maybe...  
  
This fic is: Pointless!! Useless!! Plotless!! (sorry--no sex)  
  
Author: Kasey  
  
Archive: Not unless I send it to you.  
  
Status: Complete, self-edited.  
  
Key: /italics/ and *emphasis*  
  
---  
  
"A Kiss For the Loser"  
  
---  
  
"You're... joking."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"You have to be."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"It's just not possible."  
  
Youji grinned and leaned forward. "Want me to prove it to you, Kenken?"  
  
Ken gulped, backing away from his co-worker. "N-nah, that's okay."  
  
"You sure? It's true," Youji pressed. "I *can*."  
  
"You can not!"  
  
"Can too!"  
  
"Can or can't do what?" Omi asked, walking in on his friends.  
  
Ken turned towards Omi, making sure that he was decently distanced from Youji. "Youji, here, claims he can identify anyone by their kisses." He snorted. "Without seeing them!"  
  
Omi looked at Youji, and the blond playboy nodded, grinning widely. "Yes I can," he said.  
  
Omi frowned. "I dunno, Youji... that seems pretty far-fetched... *Anyone*?"  
  
Youji rubbed his neck. "Just as long as I've kissed 'em once before," he affirmed. "Blindfolded and without hands!"  
  
Ken raised an eyebrow. "...And just how do you know that?"  
  
"Uh... just making an analogy, you know... strengthening my point," he mumbled hastily, flushing slightly.  
  
Omi shrugged. "I think I'll have to agree with Ken," he said, casting an apologetic look at Youji. "I don't think you can do it."  
  
"Do what?" Aya asked, joining the conversation.  
  
"Tell who someone is just by kissing them," Ken said. "I think Youji's full of hot air."  
  
"But I *can*," Youji repeated. "C'mon, Aya... don't you think I could?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Wanna make a bet on that?" Youji challenged.  
  
"A bet?" Omi asked.  
  
"Sure." Youji thought for a moment. "Aha!" He reached into his back pocket, and pulled out a small, black address book. He tossed it to Omi. "Call up a few of them, and tell 'em to come over. You can blindfold me and tie my hands behind my back. That way, I won't be able to... conspiracize with them, before the test." He smirked. "I can probably tell you their first names, last names, *and* their phone number."  
  
"...And when you lose?" Ken asked.  
  
Youji shrugged. "If I lose..." He thought for a moment. "If I lose, I buy dinner for a week, and do all the dishes. And if you win--which you won't--you guys get to split the price--and the chores--between yourselves."  
  
Ken looked skeptical. "Well..."  
  
"It sounds pretty fair," Omi agreed. "Ken?"  
  
Ken sighed. "Okay. I'm in. Aya?"  
  
Aya sighed. At least it was something to do. Besides, watching Youji scrub dishes for week could constitute as amusing.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Hah!" Youji exclaimed. He started walking towards the living room. "Go ahead and call up a few--tell 'em what's going on. I'll be waiting!" With that, he disappeared around a corner.  
  
Omi flipped through the address book. "Who should we call?" he asked.  
  
Ken shrugged, peering at the names. "I dunno... but someone's going to have to make sure Youji's tied really tight, or he'll cheat."  
  
"I'll take care of it," Aya said.  
  
Omi nodded. "Okay! Now..." He turned pages, scanning for names. "No... nah... no... I remember that one... no... no... Oh... Oh!!"  
  
"Hn?" Ken looked at the page Omi was reading. He skimmed down until he saw the name next to Omi's finger. Comprehension dawned on him, and his face lit up. "Well... what the heck d'you know," he said softly. "Omi... I think we've got our names."  
  
---  
---  
  
"Is he ready?" Omi asked, as Aya closed the door behind him. They were standing on the front step outside the apartment building, so that Youji couldn't hear them talk.  
  
Aya nodded. "He can't see a thing. Or move. Or hear."  
  
Omi blinked. "He can't hear?"  
  
"No."  
  
Ken nodded. "I guess that makes it easier... now we just wait for them to arrive, right?"  
  
Aya glanced up the road. "They're coming."  
  
---  
  
Youji waited patiently in silence. Aya had done a perfect job (as usual), and he could neither see, hear, or move. He would be able to talk, though. He wondered which names his friends had pulled from his address book. Hopefully they'd picked a few of the ones written in green ink, which meant that the number was a particularly fun... anyhow.  
  
Just then, he felt the front door slam. He could barely feel the people walking into the living room by the vibes in the floor, but there were more than a few of them. He couldn't tell how many, and certainly not who was there.  
  
There was a moment of nothing. Everyone was standing still... Omi was probably writing down names and the order they would kiss him in. Ooh... lots of kisses. He loved games like this!  
  
Then someone was walking towards him... a hand placed under his chin to tilt his face up... Oh, who was it going to be...  
  
"YAAAAHHH!!!!!" Youji howled in surprise as a tongue traced the shell of his ear.  
  
Then lips covered his own, swallowing the yell. That same tongue pushed itself forcefully into his mouth, almost gagging him.  
  
Youji kissed back, trying to place it... he'd kissed this one quite a few times, actually... now, who was this agressive, with such a skilled tongue...? Definitely one of his male dates. But there weren't that many other men he'd dated more than once, and this was a very, *very* familiar one...  
  
A finger started stroking under his chin, and Youji gasped, flushing beet-red as he realized who it was.  
  
"Sch-Schuldich!" he announced.  
  
~I like it better when you're tied up naked,~ the German announced slyly into his mind. ~You keep my phone number in a black book, Kudou? I'd have thought you had it memorized, by now.~  
  
Youji tried to calm himself. Well, it looked like he wasn't going to get the chance to break the news to his co-workers easily. Stupid!! He should have remembered that those numbers were in that book!  
  
On the other hand, he thought, at least they were picking the numbers written in green ink!  
  
---  
  
Schuldich pulled away. "I didn't fool him," he said, grinning.  
  
Crawford gave him a bored look. "Obviously."  
  
"Why don't you go next?" Omi asked Farfarello. "He won't be expecting that we invited you, too."  
  
"Oh, he's suspecting," Schuldich said, "But he's not sure who you'll send in next."  
  
"I'll go," Farfarello said. He eyed Youji. "But he'll guess."  
  
"Why's that?" Ken asked.  
  
Farfarello stepped forward, and leaned in to kiss Youji...  
  
"OW-OW-OWW!!!! Farfiii-iieee!!!" Youji screamed.  
  
Farfarello pulled back, a trickle of blood running down his chin. He looked back at Schuldich, a small smirk on his lips. "I think he knows who it is," he said.  
  
Standing off to the side, just behind Omi, Nagi sighed. "I wouldn't even have to have been clairvoyant to know *that* was going to happen."  
  
Omi huffed, glared at Nagi, and marked down that Youji had guessed Farfarello's kiss, correctly.  
  
Ken glanced at Omi. "Omi? What's wrong with you?"  
  
The boy quickly put a happy smile on. "Nothing, Kenken!" He turned to Crawford. "I guess... you go next," he said.  
  
"No," Crawford replied, leaning against a bookcase. "Let Aya go."  
  
"*Aya*?!!?"  
  
All heads turned to look at Aya, who blinked back at them. "What?" he asked, "You find it surprising?"  
  
"No, actually," Schuldich smirked. "Youji gets it wherever he can... You have something to say, Omi?"  
  
Omi looked at the expectent faces staring at him. He flushed slightly, making sure not to look behind him. "Uhm... Youji got a new car, and wanted to celebrate, but Kenken was sick, and Aya was away, and there was all that wine..." His voice trailed away, and he coughed. "Erm... Ken?"  
  
Ken blinked as he became the center of attention. "What?! No way! Me... Youji... uh, no. No, definetely not," he babbled. However, with everyone staring at him, he eventually cracked. "Okay, okay... it was my birthday." He glared at Schuldich and Farfarello, who started laughing uncontrollably. "Hey! He gave me flowers, too!"  
  
Omi rubbed his temples. "Eh, Aya? Why don't you go ahead and... well, try to confuse him!"  
  
Aya nodded, and stepped forward.  
  
Omi gulped as a hand settled on his shoulder. "Wine, Omi?" Nagi whispered in his ear.  
  
Omi twitched. "It was before I met you!... Besides, it was fizzy..." Nagi snorted, but did not remove his hand.  
  
Youji licked his lips as Aya tipped his head up. Then Aya pressed forward, and they could all see the shock on Youji's face...  
  
...Which lasted for the next five minutes...  
  
...And ended when the kiss did.  
  
"D-uuhhh..." Youji burbled, a stupid grin on his face. After a moment to regain his composure, he smacked his lips. "C'mon, Aya!" he exclaimed, "Gimmie another one!"  
  
Ken rolled his eyes, and Omi sighed. "He guessed. Who goes next?"  
  
"Crawford," Schuldich supplied. "He's expecting Ken."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Crawford's kiss was gentle and open mouthed. Youji bit at the older man's lower lip for a few moments before he pulled away. "Brad," he purred.  
  
Crawford straightened, adjusted his suit coat, and walked away. Schuldich stared at him, a few of his stray red hairs standing almost on end. "You let him call you *Brad*?!!??" he hissed dangerously, obviously trying to keep from doing something drastic. "You won't even let *me* call you Brad when I--mmph rm mnphnmn!!!!"  
  
Brad, one hand firmly over the German's mouth, the other holding his wrists, quickly escorted Schuldich outside.  
  
Farfarello watched as they left. "Control freak," he commented.  
  
"Who's left?" Aya asked.  
  
Omi glanced at his paper. So far, Youji had named four out of four kisses correctly. Of the three people remaining in the room... "Me and Nagi and Ken," he said.  
  
"One of you should drop out," Aya said, leaning against a wall. "By now, he knows who's left. If only two of you go, you might confuse him." He shrugged. "Or at least shake him up a bit."  
  
"I'm out," Ken said. "He'll guess it too easy." He flushed slightly as Brad and Schuldich re-entered the room.  
  
"You go first," Nagi said, pushing Omi forward.  
  
Omi resisted. "Eh... I dunno, Nagi..."  
  
"I'll be right behind you."  
  
"Is that supposed to be reassuring? *You* go first!"  
  
"Me?!"  
  
Omi nodded quickly. "Yeah!"  
  
"I am *not* kissing him first!"  
  
"Well, neither am I!"  
  
"Then... let Ken kiss him!"  
  
Both boys turned to glare at Ken, but the soccer player shook his head and held up his hands defensively. "No way! I already said, I'm out!"  
  
Omi and Nagi looked back at each other.  
  
"You kiss him!"  
  
"No! You!"  
  
Crawford, standing in the doorway next to Schuldich, sighed.  
  
~What?~ Schuldich asked.  
  
~I See a drastic decrease in Youji's ego,~ Crawford replied.  
  
Schuldich eyed the arguing teenagers, and smirked. ~You are referring to the fact that they're not fighting over who *gets* to kiss him first... but over who doesn't *have to*?~  
  
Crawford glanced at Schuldich out of the corner of his eye. ~Among other things... You want to tell him? Or should I?~  
  
Schuldich thought about it for a moment. ~Mm... Braddy?~  
  
~My name is Crawford.~  
  
~If you let me call you Brad... We can tell him together...~  
  
Brad looked thoughtful.  
  
---  
  
Youji waited. He was pretty sure that there were three people remaining in the room that he hadn't kissed yet--Ken, Omi, and Nagi. However, he also knew how his teammates thought. Undoubtedly, of the three, they were choosing just two, so that he would be confused and unable to narrow down who was whom.  
  
But then, they would know that he knew them well enough to guess what they were planning, so he could assume that they would--  
  
~You're thinking too hard.~  
  
Youji snorted. ~Get outta my head unless you're gonna tell me which two are gonna kiss me.~  
  
Schuldich snickered. ~Is that what you think?~  
  
~You're trying to confuse me!!~  
  
~Mission: Accomplished.~ Schuldich's mind faded from his own, and Youji grumbled. Then he perked up. It had been long enough that they had probably chosen who was going to kiss him next...  
  
Oh, yeah. He was right.  
  
Lips covered his own in a very sweet, very chaste kiss. Definitely not Ken. He deepened the kiss just a little, and the other opened his mouth *just* enough for him to push his tongue in...  
  
...Before they pulled away, leaving a tiny kiss on the corner of his mouth. Youji grinned.  
  
"Nagi!"  
  
---  
  
Everyone in the room was silent. Even Schuldich had stopped talking. Ken gulped, and Aya blinked startled, purple eyes. Farfarello cackled quietly. Crawford yawned.  
  
Nagi stared at Youji.  
  
Omi stared at Nagi.  
  
Youji grinned like a madman. "Hey, c'mon!! Who's gonna kiss me, next? Or do I get another kiss from Nagi-kun?"  
  
Nagi looked at Omi. "Omi..." he said.  
  
Omi looked down at Youji. "...Yes, Nagi," he agreed. "This definitely implies repercussions."  
  
The shock broken, Schuldich fell down and started laughing. "HAHA!!!! Heehee... Oh, *damn,* that's funny!! HA!!!!!"  
  
Omi glared at him from where he stood next to Youji. "It is not!!"  
  
Crawford raised an eyebrow, hiding a smile. "He guessed wrong," he pointed out.  
  
Nagi stomped forward to where Youji was tied up. He angrily thrust his face forward and kissed Youji loudly.  
  
"Omi!" Youji announced. He tried to stand up, and only succeeded in moving his chair slightly. "Is that everyone, or do I get a kiss from Kenken, too?"  
  
Aya stepped forward and pulled out Youji's earplugs. Then he untied the blindfold. As he was unmasked, Youji grinned at the two boys in front of him. "Hey, I won, didn't I? And you didn't think I could do it..." He blinked as the irritated expressions on both teenager's faces registered in his brain. "Eh... did I do something wrong?"  
  
"Wrong?" Omi asked quietly as Aya left the room, followed by Ken. "Not a thing. You didn't do anything wrong. Why don't you ask Omi?"  
  
"Huh?" Youji asked eloquently. In the corner of his vision, he could see Schuldich waving good-bye as he, Crawford, and Farfarello walked out the front door. He tried to stand up, only to discover that he was still attached to the chair. "Uh..."  
  
"I agree wholeheartedly, Nagi," Nagi said, his voice dangerously sweet. "You haven't done a thing wrong. Nope, nothing!"  
  
The doors closed behind Aya, Ken, Schuldich, Crawford, and Farfarello.  
  
Youji realized his mistake.  
  
He was trapped.  
  
He was doomed.  
  
---  
  
Schuldich glanced back at the apartment building they had just left as Crawford sped down the street.  
  
"That's what you meant by, 'a drastic decrease' in his ego, wasn't it?"  
  
Crawford settled back in his seat. "Yes."  
  
As they drove out of range, the telepath allowed Youji's anguished thoughts to fade from his mind. "You just gotta tell me one thing, Brad..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Is he... or is he not... going to be too sore to do all those dishes he promised to do?"  
  
---  
---  
  
The End!  
  
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---  
  
  
...you made it this far!! You actually read through it!! Thank you!  
  
incidentally, if you're curious, then yes, that *was* an implied Nagi+Omi relationship, and a slightly more than implied BradxSchu relationship...  
  
So, tell me? Harddrive filler, or good, read-again material?  
  



End file.
